


(I'm Worried it Might Just Be) Something My Soul Needs

by jwdish98



Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Open ended relationship, Produce 101 Era, i love them, they're stupid, this one hurt to write tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 18:53:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14796062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jwdish98/pseuds/jwdish98
Summary: Sometimes it all gets to be too much, and Minki thinks that that’s when he and Jonghyun understand each other best.





	(I'm Worried it Might Just Be) Something My Soul Needs

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, all!
> 
> It is I, Jamie, here in an attempt to save the Jren tag from its drought. I'm going to attempt to write more Jren fics and get them posted over the summer, but sometimes I tend to write on the slower side, so we'll see how that goes. Anyhow, I hope you all enjoy. Go forth and read on!

The days between the performances and the eliminations are always the worst, in Minki’s opinion.

Everyone practices, of course, and spends their time attempting to be productive, but without any real choreography or lyrics to put his focus into learning Minki has far too much time to spend caught up in his own head, thinking about everything he doesn’t really want to think about.

Today, it had all caught up to him too quickly, and Minki finds himself wandering around the dorms before making his way into the Never dorm room. Seongwoo is there, seated on his bed, and he glances up from his phone and gives Minki a look that is both concerned and a little bit disturbed when Minki barges into the room without knocking, locates Jonghyun’s bed, and collapses on top of it.

“Um.” Seongwoo’s voice isn’t as loud as it normally is, but in the silence of the room it sounds almost like Seongwoo is shouting, and Minki rolls over to press his face into Jonghyun’s pillow. “Are you okay, man?”

Minki doesn’t bother to reply and, after a few minutes of him not speaking, there’s a rustle of sheets and footsteps and then the door to the room shuts quietly. In the silence that follows Seongwoo’s departure, Minki presses his face further into the pillow and takes in a deep breath, trying to calm himself. Jonghyun’s smell settles over him in a familiar kind of way, a sense of home that weighs down on his shoulders and holds him in place. It’s a comforting weight, the kind that feels almost like a hug (just with a little bit more expectations, but that’s fine, because Minki can handle Jonghyun’s expectations of him). It’s different than the feeling of the PD’s eyes on him, of the call they received from Seungcheol two days ago, of the texts he gets almost daily from his parents, of the look on the faces of the Pledis staff when the four of them had boarded into the car to come to Paju, the way Aron had been trying his hardest to smile as they left him behind.

Minki’s hands clench into fists, grasping Jonghyun’s sheets within his hands. They’ll probably get wrinkled and Minhyun will probably want to lecture him, but Minki could care less of Minhyun’s _Cleanliness is always The Most Important_ lectures after so many years of having to listen to them. It’s not like he’s ever going to listen anyways. Minhyun knows it too, he just lectures to make himself feel better.

The sounds of the door opening filters into Minki’s senses and he sighs. He prepares to get up, expecting Seongwoo’s voice, or Minhyun’s, or maybe even one of the younger Never team members, but the voice that speaks stops him before he pushes himself upwards.

“Minki,” Jonghyun says. “What are you doing?”

A breath catches in Minki’s throat, tears threatening to well up, but despite all this, Minki pushes it down with a deep breath and replies, “I stole your bed.”

Jonghyun snorts and settles down at the foot of the bed, sitting near Minki’s feet. “How rude of you.”

“That’s me.” Minki wishes that the lightness of the conversation could help him control the emotions that he’s been fighting all afternoon but, in many ways, it has the adverse effect. “So rude.”

They’re quiet, then, only the sound of their breathing filling the room. Jonghyun’s hand comes to rest on the back of Minki’s leg, right above his ankle. There’s no pressure, just a barely there touch and a soft movement of the thumb across his skin.

There’s no need for words, and Minki appreciates how well Jonghyun knows him, knows when he needs to speak until the words don’t make sense anymore, knows when he can’t even bring himself to find words at all. It’s a by-product of ten years of living in each other’s pockets and something that Minki finds as a blessing.

However, Jonghyun normally only lets the silence last for so long before he needs to know the reason for it, so Minki isn’t surprised when Jonghyun shifts, the bed moving under the change in where his weight is resting.

Jonghyun sighs. “Why didn’t you come find me?”

“I didn’t want to bother you,” Minki says quietly, not moving his face from where it’s still buried into Jonghyun’s pillow.

Instead of asking a question that Minki likely wouldn’t have wanted to answer, Jonghyun takes to poking at Minki’s shoulder until Minki finally shifts his body to turn and look at Jonghyun. They watch each other for the length of a breath, Jonghyun’s eyes thoughtful, before Jonghyun says, “Scoot over, idiot.”

Minki does as he’s asked and moves backwards until his back is pressed up against the wall. Jonghyun grabs at the covers and slides under them with Minki until they are lying face to face, a mere breath in between them. It’s both too close and not close enough all at the same time, so Minki curls himself up into a ball and rests his head on Jonghyun’s chest, just below his chin. Jonghyun’s heartbeat is steady against his ear, a soft _thump thump_ that Minki begins to time his breathing to. The slow rhythm lulls him into a calmer state, somewhere between peaceful and sleepy.

Jonghyun’s fingers run briefly through Minki’s hair before moving to his back, slowly stroking up and down his spine. His chin comes down to rest gently on top of Minki’s head, and the soft breaths that he lets out ruffle Minki’s hair until it is tousled and messy.

“You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong,” Jonghyun says. His voice is so low and his chest rumbles with it. Minki’s eyes flutter closed. “But I’d really appreciate it if you did, Minki. I want to help. And I can’t help if I don’t know why you’re upset.”

Minki doesn’t say anything. Words are too hard to find, currently, and he knows that Jonghyun understands that. They’ve known each other for long enough that their silence makes sense, even if Jonghyun is disappointed by it. Sometimes, Jonghyun knows all too well that Minki isn’t as in control of himself as he pretends that he is.

Sometimes it all gets to be too much, and Minki thinks that that’s when he and Jonghyun understand each other the best.

Slowly, Minki inhales, breathing in the stale dorm room air and the smell of Jonghyun’s sweat from whatever practice he came from. It’s not a particularly pleasant smell, but it’s still possibly a better one than his dorm right now. Especially after the weird stalemate fight that Euiwoong and Hyeongseop had reached last night, tension and the smell of whatever food they had thrown at Jinyoung and gotten all in his hair when he tried to mediate between them still hung over the room.

Eventually, Minki finds his voice and says, “I’m going to be eliminated this week.”

Jonghyun stills underneath him, the pace of his heartbeat picking up ever so slightly. It’s almost as if he’s more afraid of the word elimination than Minki is, which makes Minki want to laugh in a terrible, painful way.

After all, Jonghyun is going to win.

Minki knows it.

So do Dongho and Minhyun. And Aron. And the rest of the trainees. And the PDs. And the teachers. The only person who doesn’t know it is Jonghyun himself, because for some reason he still doubts that he’s good enough to win.

Which is also stupid, because Minki knows Jonghyun’s worth. Just as he knows Minhyun’s and Dongho’s and Aron’s. They’re all worth more than what they’ve been given, and Minki knows that they deserve the attention that they’re all just starting to get.

As hard as it’s been, he would give up all of his screen time on this stupid show for Minhyun, Dongho, and Jonghyun to get the attention they deserve.

Then again, he’s kind of already done that, but it doesn’t matter anymore.

“You’re not going to go home,” Jonghyun says, his voice steady. “You’re the easiest out of us to love, and people adore you. You’re not going to go home.”

A snort escapes Minki and he shakes his head. “That’s not true.” He pokes at Jonghyun’s arm until Jonghyun shifts with a whiney noise. “I was just the one who had a unique image so I stood out. Dongho is so easy to love. And you are too. And Aron, even though nobody really knows it yet.”

Jonghyun seems as if he’s going to protest but thinks better about it. Eventually, he just says, “And Minhyun isn’t?”

Minki makes a face, his nose wrinkled up, and says, “Minhyun is obnoxious.”

A snicker of laughter leaves Jonghyun and Minki counts that as a small victory.

However, it’s only a few seconds before Jonghyun goes back to the topic at hand.

“You’re not going to go home.”

Sighing, Minki shakes his head. “I know you’re trying to comfort me,” he says, staring at the wall across from him. “And I appreciate it, but I really think I’m going home this week.”

There’s a silence and Minki feels the weight of it pressing down on him, suffocating him. Jonghyun doesn’t say anything. Maybe he’s realized now that arguing with Minki over this is a moot point. Jonghyun knows him well enough to know how stubborn he is, after all. Minki is, still, the kind of person who won’t change his opinion. Jonghyun had likely learned that within the first week of knowing Minki, when Minki had interrupted one of Jonghyun’s late night practices at an ungodly hour of the morning and forced him to get some sleep.

From that day on, the two of them had been close. Best friends, even, Minki would say. It would feel wrong to call their relationship anything less than that, after all.

Words are still hard to find, but Minki forces a breath past the lump that has lodged itself in his throat and clenches a hand around the sheets of Jonghyun’s bed.

Sometimes, he still struggles to be vulnerable. Especially when he knows that his other members are feeling fear and pain as well. He’s always been the one to make everyone else smile, and he wishes that he were always capable of doing so, but he still finds himself lacking, at times.

“Will you be disappointed?” Minki asks, his voice barely a whisper. “If I get eliminated this week?”

“Of course I’ll be disappointed,” Jonghyun says, his voice lilting over the words, soft and raspy. Minki stiffens in an attempt to stop himself from yanking away from Jonghyun, mostly out of fear that he’d end up bashing his head against the wall if he tried to do so. The PD probably wouldn’t be happy if they had to take Minki to the hospital because he’s an idiot, after all.

Jonghyun’s not stupid, so he notices the way Minki stiffens. Instead of speaking, Jonghyun reaches down and grabs Minki’s shoulders, gently pushing at him until Minki is no longer lying on top of him and they’re staring at each other.

“Minki,” Jonghyun says. His face is so serious that Minki can’t even breathe. “I’d be disappointed, but I wouldn’t be disappointed in _you_.”

Minki swallows down the words that threaten to spill over his tongue, because he doesn’t even know what they would be and, instead, ducks his head back down to rest it on Jonghyun’s chest again. The sound of Jonghyun’s heartbeat in his ear is comforting and Minki softens at the sound of it.

After a moment’s pause, Minki sighs. “Really?”

“You’ve done amazingly, Minki.” Jonghyun’s voice is soft, and Minki wishes that he could believe his words as much as Jonghyun seemed to. “You’ve done your best. You’ve worked hard. I could never be disappointed in you for doing that.”

“I feel like I haven’t, though.”

For a moment, Minki sits up, his shoulders drawing inwards. He doesn’t look at Jonghyun, can’t bring himself to. There are times when, despite everything they’ve been through together, everything they’ve faced together, Minki isn’t good at expressing fear. He picks at the corner of the sheets, wishing he could bring himself to tear it apart, if only to find a method of forcing the anger and bitterness out of his chest.

“What do you mean?” Jonghyun asks.

Minki sighs, turns to stare at the bunks across from them. One of the beds is clearly Minhyun’s, bedsheets completely free of wrinkles and folded perfectly, not even a speck of dust in sight. The one on top of that must be Jaehwan’s, judging by the clothes that are strewn across it and the haphazard way the sheets have been flung across the bed in an attempt to make it, probably just to try and appease Minhyun’s nagging.

“I think,” Minki stops, takes a deep breath, and tries again to get the words out past the lump in his throat. “I think that I’ve just failed. I don’t know if I’ve even worked that hard all the time. I’ve tried to, but there are times when I just want this whole thing to end. It would be so much easier to just go back to our dorms and sleep and eat Aron’s cooking.”

His voice trails off weakly on the end, his hands still clasped in fists around Jonghyun’s sheets. They shake, in a barely perceptible way, from the force of his grasp. After a second, Jonghyun reaches out and carefully grasps Minki’s hands, prying them apart to pull them away from the sheets.

“And we’ll all do that soon.” Jonghyun doesn’t let go of Minki’s hands. He holds on tight, tangling his fingers with Minki’s own. “After this all ends.”

Minki doesn’t say anything else, can’t bring himself to, because he knows that Jonghyun will keep arguing with him, knows that Jonghyun will never agree with him. Jonghyun isn’t the kind of person to stop believing in someone. No matter how many times someone fails, Jonghyun would still believe the best in them. Even if Minki feels like he’s failed completely, like he’s let his members down, like being here on this stupid show has been the hardest thing he’s ever done in his life, Jonghyun will still believe in him.

Jonghyun will always believe in him, and Minki knows it.

And it is moments like these where he stands on the cliff’s edge, a mere step away from a leap into anxiety and fear, when Jonghyun reaches out and grabs his wrist and says, _“no. Not right now.”_ When Jonghyun smiles at him and takes in deep breaths against him so that Minki will do the same.

It is moments like these where they need no words between them. No matter what, Jonghyun always seems to understand what Minki needs. Sometimes, Minki wishes that he could do the same for Jonghyun. He wishes that he could be a pillar of strength for the other, but then Minki remembers that emotional strength at times like this, times when it was just all too much and everything was so hard, had never really been his specialty.

Maybe it’s enough just to bring a smile to Jonghyun’s face.

To bring a smile to any of his members’ faces.

So, Minki lays back down on top of Jonghyun, plopping down with far more force than necessary just to hear Jonghyun’s pained groan. It’s more entertaining that way, and it brings a small smile to his face, some of the weight on his chest lifting ever so slightly. Jonghyun runs his hand along Minki’s spine briefly before pausing to slap him across the shoulder, and Minki may or may not giggle because he knows that he deserves at least that.

He takes a deep breath and feels calmer now, feels as if he can bring himself to think without feeling as if the end is drawing upon him, a feeling that he hasn’t had in far too long. He’s too used to fearing for NU’EST, for his members and their future together, and he thinks that maybe if he can not worry, even for this one moment, then everything might be okay in the future.

He hopes everything might be okay in the future, no matter what their fate as a group happens to be.

“They’re right, you know,” Minki says.

Jonghyun shifts ever so slightly underneath him, his arm tightening around Minki’s waist for a brief second, before Jonghyun goes back to rubbing his hand up and down Minki’s spine and says, “who’s right? About what?”

“You’re an amazing leader.” Minki smiles, despite knowing that Jonghyun won’t be able to see it. “You have so many other things to be doing right now, but you’re in here, sitting with me while I panic.”

“Hey.” Jonghyun’s finger jabs at his shoulder. “I’m not here because I think I’m obligated to be or something. I’m not here because I’m your leader.”

A soft laugh leaves Minki, and he presses the sound into Jonghyun’s shirt, hoping that it will muffle the noise. He shouldn’t be enjoying himself, not here, and the strange and irrational fear of a PD bursting into the room to drag him away from this moment rises in his throat, strangling the end of the noise.

“I know,” Minki says. He presses a smile into the soft and flimsy fabric of Jonghyun’s shirt. “I think at this point in our lives I know you well enough to know that we’re friends, Jonghyun.”

“Friends?” The word lilts out of Jonghyun, both amused and a little bit playful. Minki rolls his eyes at the sound of it. “I think of you as family, Minki. You know that, right? I’m… I’m not just playing it up when I say that.”

“I know.” Minki closes his eyes and breathes in slowly, the scent of Jonghyun and sweat invading his senses. Minhyun was probably going to kill Jonghyun when he came back and realized that Jonghyun had laid in bed without showering beforehand. “I think the same of you, Jonghyun.”

“No matter what happens,” Jonghyun says, “no matter when any of us get eliminated, or if none of us make it into the top eleven, or if half of us do, or if one of us does, I’m going to be proud of all of you. Coming here was hard, and we’ve survived it. We’ve survived so much.” There’s a smile on Jonghyun’s face, then, one that is a bit grim but also childish in its humor, alight with a sort of mischief. “What can’t we do, right?”

Minki snorts and rolls his eyes. “Don’t get too cocky there, mister. With that attitude you’re just asking for something terrible to happen.”

They’re quiet and Minki’s pessimism hangs in the air. He tries to think of something to say to bring the lightness of their previous conversation back, but there isn’t much that comes to mind.

“Sorry,” Minki eventually says. It’s a useless apology, but he feels as if it has to be said anyways. “I’m a downer today.”

Jonghyun laughs, just a chuckle, but it’s with enough force that Minki’s body moves with the rise and fall of his chest.

“We all have our days.” Jonghyun runs a hand through Minki’s hair. It maybe shouldn’t be as comforting as it is, but Minki feels the tension seep out of his shoulders at the gentle touch. “Just promise me that you’ll be okay tomorrow, even if you still feel sad and worried. I don’t like seeing you like this. You have the prettiest smile, Minki. Let everyone see it.”

There’s not many words that Minki can find in response to that.

Jonghyun has always been sweet, too sweet and too kind in so many ways, and Minki sometimes feels lost because of it, overpowered and weak in the face of kindness he doesn’t always believe he deserves. But he knows that Jonghyun will give him this kindness anyways, will continue to tell him that his smile is pretty and that he matters and that he has done his best and that he is strong and brave and talented and worthwhile, even at the times when Minki doesn’t feel as if any of those things are true.

So Minki will do his best to believe him. He will put a smile on his face, he will do his best to tell himself that he won’t be eliminated and that it doesn’t even matter if he is eliminated, he will hold his head up high and be humble and try his best in all that he does, because he will carry the weight of Jonghyun’s belief in him on his shoulders, and it will forever one of the only things that makes him want to be a better person.

Jonghyun’s belief in all of them means just as much to the other members as it does to Minki. They might never say it out loud, but it’s in the songs that Dongho writes and the meals that Aron cooks for them and in Minhyun’s constant nagging.

Jonghyun believes in them, so they believe in each other.

And, at this point, where would they be without each other?

Minki isn’t entirely sure he wants to know.

No matter how hard it has been, he knows that he would choose this path of life no matter what, even knowing that they would end up here, lying in a dorm room bed as trainees on a survival show, five years after their debut, with him panicking and Jonghyun holding him in an attempt to calm him down.

So, Minki nods and says, “I promise.”

“Good.” Jonghyun’s voice is quiet, even though the room around them is silent. It feels intimate, in a way that they haven’t experienced around each other for years, when they used to share a room and Minki would always attempt to wake Jonghyun by asking him questions and telling Jonghyun about himself in an attempt to get to know him better, back when they were both young and foolish.

Minki shifts to look at the clock on the wall across from them, and he sighs when he sees the time. “I promised I’d go help Jinyoung and Jihoon with their practice,” Minki says, because now he’s not a child, he’s a senior, someone who’s trained longer and worked harder in a cruel world than the kids he’s trying his best to protect. Not that they need his protection, really. They’re both doing better than he ever has been in this show. Still, he feels the need to teach them everything he knows, to tell them not to give up no matter what, to make sure that they’re more successful than he had been at their age.

As Minki expected, Jonghyun is accepting of this. He nods and takes his arm off of Minki’s waist, smiling a little, private kind of smile.

“It’s okay,” he says. “I told Guanlin that I’d help him with his Korean lessons today. And I think Hyunbin wants to eat dinner with Minhyun and I.” Minki nods and Jonghyun pokes his shoulder. “You’re going to eat with us too, yeah? Grab Dongho and drag him there, even if he’s still trying to help Haknyeon with his practice or whatever. Guanlin says that he’s missed eating with Dongho. Even Seonho said he missed him too, but I don’t know if that’s just because he missed being able to steal some of Dongho’s food as well as everyone else’s.”

Snorting with laughter, Minki pulls himself off of Jonghyun’s bed and to his feet, adjusting his shirt and running a hand through his hair. “I’ll be there. And I’ll forcibly drag Dongho out of the practice rooms and to the cafeteria, since you gave me permission.”

Jonghyun grins, places his hands under his head, and winks up at him. It’s cuter than Jonghyun has any right to be when it’s just the two of them alone in a stupid dorm room with cameras. “Good. I’m glad.”

Minki takes a deep breath, watches Jonghyun quietly for a couple more seconds, and then lifts his lips in a smile that is almost effortless, just a small reach away from as happy as he imagines he would be on a normal day.

“I’ll see you later, then,” Minki says. Jonghyun nods, still grinning up at him, and Minki’s smile slips away from him for a few seconds. So, he forces himself to take another deep breath and then says, “thank you. I needed that.”

Jonghyun finally gets up from his bed, still smiling that wide smile that Minki adores, and straightens his clothes and hair out as well. He reaches out and wraps his fingers around Minki’s wrist when he’s finished this, his grasp light and warm in the coolness of the dorm.

“Anytime.” Jonghyun squeezes Minki’s wrist, just a light addition of pressure that has Minki softening. “Whenever you need me, I’ll be there for you.”

“And I’ll do the same for you.”

Jonghyun tilts his head to the side at that, his smile soft, and says, “I know you will.”

Slowly, carefully, Minki pulls his wrist out of Jonghyun’s grasp and heads to the door, steps ever so slightly slower than they need to be. He walks backwards in an effort to not look away from Jonghyun’s stupidly soft smile.

“I’ll see you later,” he says when he reaches the door and Jonghyun nods, his smile widening just a bit.

“Go practice,” Jonghyun orders, his leader tone slipping into his voice. “And shut the door behind you, you heathen.”

Minki laughs, curling into the door in an attempt to quiet himself. “Okay, Mr. Bossy. I’ll make sure to do that.”

So he does, still peering through the opening between the door and it’s frame until it closes behind him and his hand slips away from the knob and he can’t feel the chill of it on his fingers any longer.

Standing outside the door alone, Minki takes a long, deep breath and steels himself.

Then, he puts a smile on his face and heads off to find Jinyoung and Jihoon.

There are people counting on him, after all, and Minki is determined to never let them down, if only to continue to see that idotic smile on Jonghyun’s face.

It’s all worth it, just for that.

Of that, Minki has no doubt.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading!
> 
> If you want to chat I'm [here](http://nauticalallusions.tumblr.com/) on tumblr and also [here](https://twitter.com/nugoodlove) on twitter where I post social media AUs, if you want to read those or would rather chat there. I'm always open to comments and chatting, be it talk about writing (either my fics or if you want my opinion on something of yours) or some wild rant about NU'EST. 
> 
> Please leave comments here (they feed my desperate and hopeless writer's soul), and I'll try to reply to all of them!
> 
> Thanks again for wasting your time reading this stupid angst-fest of a fic. <3


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